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When you first fell in love, you could never imagine that someday the sound of your partner chewing could make you want to scream. It’s inevitable that once we are out of our honeymoon phase and reality sets in, we realize that all relationships take work and compromise. But while some couples may hit bumps […]
When you first fell in love, you could never imagine that someday the sound of your partner chewing could make you want to scream. It’s inevitable that once we are out of our honeymoon phase and reality sets in, we realize that all relationships take work and compromise. But while some couples may hit bumps in the road every so often, other couples find themselves in bigger trouble, with neither party knowing exactly how to fix things.
If you are in a relationship that is no longer feeling healthy, here are 5 warning signs that it may be time to try couples counseling:
Once you have a communication breakdown, you are unable to rationally share thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Beyond this, unhealthy communication tends to leave one or both partners feeling depressed, angry and hopeless.
When there has been infidelity, it is very difficult for the couple to rebuild trust and repair the damage. While there is no magic pill to recover from an affair, a therapist can offer tools and strategies to rebuild trust.
If you and your partner act more like roommates than romantic partners, this indicates a lack of intimacy and a potential need for professional help.
You try to mask your real feelings for as long as possible, but then you start to act out the hurt and resentment you may be feeling. For instance, if your partner has been unfaithful and you have agreed to stay in the relationship and work things out. But over time you find yourself lashing out, acting rude and trying to make them believe you are having an affair so they will feel the same kind of hurt. This acting out is unhealthy for both people and is a BIG indicator you need to seek some help.
A break from negative energy can be very helpful to the relationship. But when a temporary break leads to more and more time away from home and someone renting their own apartment, this indicates a need for counseling. Spending time away from home usually doesn’t lead to any real resolution, just more distance.
If you and your partner are interested in exploring treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
No one ever wants to be on the receiving end of romantic betrayal. The emotional pain of discovering that someone you love and trust has been cheating and lying to you can be overwhelming. When you are the victim of massive deception and betrayal, it can leave you feeling sadness, confusion, resentment, and anger. Many […]
No one ever wants to be on the receiving end of romantic betrayal. The emotional pain of discovering that someone you love and trust has been cheating and lying to you can be overwhelming.
When you are the victim of massive deception and betrayal, it can leave you feeling sadness, confusion, resentment, and anger. Many victims also feel an increase in their anxiety and a decrease in their self-esteem. But infidelity doesn’t just affect our emotional health, it also affects our mental health.
In fact, many victims of infidelity experience the same symptoms that are linked to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), becoming totally disoriented and confused as to what has happened to them.
Some of the classic symptoms of PTSD often experienced by those whose partners have cheated on them are:
If you have been the victim of infidelity, then know that you, like a soldier returning from war, have been psychologically injured and you require tender care to set you on the path back to you.
As devastating as it can be to learn that your significant other has betrayed you in such an intimate way, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can pick up the pieces of your life and find joy and comfort once again.
Here are some ways you can begin to heal after infidelity:
Don’t fall into the “I should have known…” trap. This is not your fault. Now is the time to be on your own side.
Your emotions will be overwhelming for a little while. You will feel lost, anxious and panicky. When these feelings start to rise, STOP, take a slow deep breath and let it out. Take another one and another one. It is amazing how deep breathing can completely calm us almost instantly. Your breath will become your new best friend.
Remember, you’re not just healing from infidelity, you are healing from the PTSD that the infidelity caused. You will need some professional guidance to help you cope with the symptoms you are currently experiencing.
If you would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be happy to help you on your journey to becoming whole and happy once again.
You may remember growing up, meeting your best friend on the playground or making friends in French class. As adults, we don’t have systems built in to make friends like we did as children. We can’t even reach out to loved ones for help, because while it’s socially acceptable to say “I’m looking for a […]
You may remember growing up, meeting your best friend on the playground or making friends in French class. As adults, we don’t have systems built in to make friends like we did as children. We can’t even reach out to loved ones for help, because while it’s socially acceptable to say “I’m looking for a boyfriend”, its not socially acceptable to say “I’m looking for a best friend.” If you want to find a friend as an adult, it’s going to be a lot like finding a romantic partner.
Envision Your Friend
Think about what kind of person your friend would be. Think back to your childhood friends and what made them fun to hang out with. Should your friend be extroverted or introverted? Should they love the outdoors or be a movie buff? Look for qualities in your friend similar to the way you’d look for qualities in a partner.
Go Where Your Friend Would Be
Now that you know what kind of person your friend would be, think about what that person would be doing. Where are they on the weekends? Where do they shop or like to go out to eat? Go to those different places. If you’re an outdoorsy person and want an outdoor-loving friend, find outdoor meetups. Try a hiking or walking group, or sign up for a new fitness class. Keep in mind as you test the waters that you won’t find your friend on your first outing. Just as when you’re looking for a partner, it takes more than just one try. It will take a bit of time and searching.
The Big Ask
When you’re ready to ask out your potential new friend, a great way to get a “yes” is to invite them to a favorite, or to something new. For example, invite your friend to go watch your favorite sports team or over to your house to cook your favorite recipe. You can also invite them to play a new board game, or out to watch a new movie.
Stoke the Fire
You’ll need to nurture your budding friendship by spending more time together. Just as in dating, take it slow and steady, and don’t take anything too seriously at first. Too much too fast could set you up for a friendship that’s not going to work, or might make the other person feel smothered.
You can deepen the friendship by working on goals together. Find out what your friend dreams about. How can you help them meet their goals? How can they help you with yours? Maybe they can help you get ready for a summer swimsuit, and maybe you can help them organize their garage. Find ways to work on things together.
Do you find yourself struggling in social situations? A licensed therapist can help you overcome shyness and improve your social interactions. Give my office a call today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.
You probably remember a time in school or out shopping when you wanted to ask for help, but stopped yourself. You might have even had a prompt from the teacher: “Does anyone have any questions?” or from an associate “Is there something I can help you with?”. Still, even when it’s their job (or their […]
You probably remember a time in school or out shopping when you wanted to ask for help, but stopped yourself. You might have even had a prompt from the teacher: “Does anyone have any questions?” or from an associate “Is there something I can help you with?”. Still, even when it’s their job (or their joy) to help, you might hesitate.
It can be even more difficult when you’re going through difficult times and can really use another set of eyes or hands. If you’re overwhelmed with work and home life, or if you’re going through some tough emotional business, sometimes you just need someone to help.
If you look back to your past, you might see where the roots formed that made it more difficult for you to ask for help. Your parents might have made you learn to figure things out on your own, then given you great praise when you did. As a child, you may have been met with resistance or anger when you reached out for help. Maybe you had a parent who modeled the “do it yourself” attitude, always refusing to ask for help. These early formative experiences can leave you with the impression that asking for a help is a deficiency. You might also have difficulty asking for help because you don’t want to surrender control to an outside person, or because you don’t want to feel like you “owe” anyone anything.
If you have difficulty asking for help, you may have learned some less than optimal coping mechanisms over the years. You might try to make someone feel guilty or feel sorry for you. Or in your haste, you may ask the wrong person; instead of someone who would be better able to help you, you choose someone who’s more likely to say yes.
Are you having trouble juggling work and home life? Are you struggling to deal with some tough emotions and need some support? A licensed therapist can help. Please give my office a call today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.
Being a new mom can cause you to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. You might feel overwhelmed with love or bliss, or you might feel panicky or anxious about your responsibilities as a new mother. It’s natural to feel a variety of both positive and negative emotions, given the dramatic hormonal changes that occur […]
Being a new mom can cause you to go through a rollercoaster
of emotions. You might feel overwhelmed with love or bliss, or you might feel
panicky or anxious about your responsibilities as a new mother. It’s natural to
feel a variety of both positive and negative emotions, given the dramatic
hormonal changes that occur following childbirth. However, if you find that
your negative emotions are becoming unmanageable, and fear you might be
experiencing postpartum depression, here are five warning signs to look out
for.
Lack of Interest
Towards the Baby
If you’re suffering from postpartum depression, you may find
that your new role as a mother lacks joy. You may struggle to bond with your
baby, feel overwhelmed by your new responsibilities or overall feel a lack of
interest in your baby.
Lack of Concentration
Trouble focusing, difficulty making decisions or memory
problems are possible signs of postpartum depression.
Change in Eating or Sleeping
Habits
While it’s natural for eating and sleeping habits to change
when you’re a new mom, drastic changes are a sign that something may be wrong.
If you’re having difficulty falling or staying asleep, or are sleeping longer
than usual, this could be a sign of postpartum depression. Eating too much or
too little are other warning signs to look out for.
Feelings of Sadness
or Hopelessness
Hormonal changes after childbirth will naturally cause mood
swings that will differ from what you experienced before giving birth. However,
if you find yourself feeling excessively sad or experiencing feelings of
hopelessness, you may be suffering from postpartum depression.
Lack of Energy and
Motivation
Your newfound responsibilities as a mother will naturally
leave you tired, but overwhelming feelings of exhaustion are something to be concerned
about. If you find that you frequently lack energy or motivation, this is a
sign that you may be experiencing postpartum depression.
If these warning signs seem familiar, you should know that
you’re not alone: 1 in 9 new mothers has postpartum depression. Postpartum
depression is a serious health condition, but it can be treated.
Postpartum Psychosis
In rare cases, women can have postpartum psychosis;
experiencing symptoms such as hallucinations, delusions, obsessive or fearful
thoughts, deep paranoia or thoughts of harming yourself or your baby. If you’re
experiencing any of these symptoms, call your doctor or 911 immediately.
If you believe you’re struggling with postpartum depression,
a licensed therapist can help teach you strategies to manage your depression
and improve your mood. Give my office a call today, and let’s schedule a time
to talk.
If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you and your significant other have hit a snag in the relationship. Maybe you’re spending less time with each other and you’ve grown apart. Or maybe you do little else than argue these days. All relationships go through their ups and downs. No matter the good intentions […]
If you’re reading this blog post, chances are you and your significant other have hit a snag in the relationship. Maybe you’re spending less time with each other and you’ve grown apart. Or maybe you do little else than argue these days.
All relationships go through their ups and downs. No matter the good intentions of the individuals or how in love you were when the relationship began, it is completely natural for a relationship to take a hit every now and then.
In some ways, these trials can be a good thing. Much like you need to break down muscle to build it up stronger than it was before, many relationships can be strengthened by challenges, provided your communication is healthy.
Here are some ways to improve communication in your relationship:
It’s important to be open and honest with yourself and each other. Don’t deny that something has changed in your relationship, admit it openly. You may also need to recognize that each of you has changed over the years. None of us stays the same. Our wants, needs, passions, annoyances, etc. change as we mature and grow as people. People can usually accommodate this change as long as they admit it has happened.
There are two words that are very powerful in communication, “Yes, and…” Effective communication is not about one person being right and the other wrong. Often, both people are right and allowed to feel their feelings. Try not to attack the other person or get them to compromise on issues. Instead, focus on simply being heard and hearing the other person.
If you want to improve your communication as a means to get the other person to change their ways, you are really thinking about this communication thing all wrong! Good communication is not about winning an argument. This is not a debate class. Your goal is to better share your thoughts, feelings, ideas, hopes and struggles with each other. Don’t be so focused on getting the other person to change and focus more on how your own behavior could change.
Managing your emotions is one of the most important skills when it comes to interpersonal interaction. How often are you ready to blow when you and your spouse or partner are speaking to each other? How does the communication breakdown once you or your partner have become emotional?
When communicating with your partner, or anyone, should you feel your emotions rise, stop, take a slow, deep breath, and let it out. Taking this moment is important and will help you not to say something you’ll regret or that will escalate the situation.
None of us are perfect. All we can do is try to be the best versions of ourselves we can be for ourselves and our loved ones. By following these communication tips you will be able to strengthen your relationships.
As a new mother, you’ve probably noticed that taking care of yourself and a new baby at the same time is next to impossible. How are you supposed to make sure you are getting what you need to thrive when you are on call 24/7, responsible for keeping a new human being alive and happy? It’s no wonder that […]
As a new mother, you’ve probably noticed that taking care of yourself and a new baby at the same time is next to impossible. How are you supposed to make sure you are getting what you need to thrive when you are on call 24/7, responsible for keeping a new human being alive and happy?
It’s no wonder that so many new moms feel emotional and completely overwhelmed. You know you need a break, but then you feel guilty about even needing one.
Relax.
It’s very okay to ask for help. And here are some ways you can do it:
Be Realistic
Yes, you’re a mother now, but you are still an individual that has her own needs. Recognize that being a great mother has nothing to do with being a superhero. Never feel you have to go it alone. Be realistic and understand that everyone needs help now and then.
Be Honest
Stop trying to be the greatest mother who has ever lived and do everything by yourself. When a family member or friend asks how you’re doing, be honest with them. Let your loved ones know you are feeling exhausted and stressed and could use some help.
Have someone watch your baby for an hour so you can get out of the house. Or have them watch the baby so you can simply clean the house.
You may also want to keep a list of household tasks posted somewhere, such as laundry, washing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, and have your loved one pick something from the list to take off your plate.
Be Flexible
When asking others for help, make it known that you appreciate others are busy and you would be happy to get their help whenever works for them. If this means the recycling doesn’t get packed up and taken to the center until Wednesday afternoon, that’s fine. If you’re the one asking for help, you’ll have to be a bit flexible with WHEN you receive it.
Be Safe
If you are suffering from postpartum symptoms it is incredibly important that you ask for help. Lingering feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, fatigue, and hopelessness need to be addressed.
If you or a loved is suffering from postpartum depression and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch with me. I would be more than happy to discuss how I may be able to help.
‘The spark’ is a phrase that’s used a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. In fact, you might have felt ‘the spark’ in the beginning of your relationship, and as a result, the early days were very exciting for you and your partner. However, like every other flame, ‘the spark’ needs to be kept […]
‘The spark’ is a phrase that’s used a lot when it comes to romantic relationships. In fact, you might have felt ‘the spark’ in the beginning of your relationship, and as a result, the early days were very exciting for you and your partner. However, like every other flame, ‘the spark’ needs to be kept alive by both partners. When you think of intimacy, you probably imagine physical attraction, and sexual relations, however, intimacy is so much more than that. It encompasses both the physical and the emotional.
At the beginning of your relationship, you just can’t seem to get enough of your partner. You want to see them all the time, and they are constantly on your mind. Naturally, romance blossoms and intimacy is high and effortless.
However, as time goes on, life sort of gets in the way. Routine and the stress of everyday living makes it almost impossible to sustain high levels of intimacy without effort. It takes practice, time and effort to keep intimacy levels high in any relationship.
Here are 5 ways to strengthen the intimacy in your relationship, and keep your flame burning hot.
1. Do exciting things together- As your relationship develops, you are bound to form a routine. However, routines become boring. Shake things up by making an effort to do really exciting things together, such as climbing a mountain, going on a vacation, taking a special class together or going bungee jumping! It will provide a much-needed breath of fresh air in your relationship and help you discover new things about each other.
2. Have deep meaningful conversations– Talk about your relationship, your current lives, plans for the future and your emotional state. Try as much as possible to be vulnerable with your partner and let them see the real you. Lack of communication and bottling up negative emotions can lead to resentment. Explore the things that make your relationship work, and strengthen your commitment to each other. Having a therapist facilitate these conversations can make them really fruitful and rewarding.
3. Be thoughtful – Intimacy isn’t always about the grand gestures. Something as simple as writing your partner a love letter or stocking up on their favorite snack can make them feel incredibly loved and appreciated.
4. Make couple time- It can be really hard to focus on one thing in today’s digital world, and sometimes we unconsciously pay more attention to our gadgets than to our lovers. At least once a week, turn off all electronic devices and participate in an activity you both enjoy. You could watch a movie, cook together or massage each other. This gives you time to enjoy each other and connect on a deeper level.
5. Express gratitude- Every night, before bed, express gratitude for one thing your partner did during the day, no matter how small or random.This will help them feel loved and appreciated.
If you would like to improve intimacy in your relationship and strengthen the bond between you and your partner, please book a relationship therapy session with me.
In June, I attended the Midwest Conference for Problem Gambling and Substance Abuse. As with every year, this conference was filled with many wonderful presentations. Two that stood out the most to me were both presented by Cam Adair, Founder of Game Quitters. I found these as being very useful and relevant to my practice […]
In June, I attended the Midwest Conference for Problem Gambling and Substance Abuse. As with every year, this conference was filled with many wonderful presentations. Two that stood out the most to me were both presented by Cam Adair, Founder of Game Quitters. I found these as being very useful and relevant to my practice as they were about issues I have frequently encountered in my practice over the years. During his presentations, I learned some very helpful information about video gaming, video game addiction, and the crossover between gambling and video gaming.
First, I must begin by pointing out why video gaming and gaming disorder is an area that needs some attention. Gaming has been exploding and continues to grow. 10% of students report gaming at least 5 hours per day. Colleges are adding Esports teams and offering scholarships for E-Sport competitors. Esports are may be included in the 2020 Olympics. Some gamers can make a living by streaming online on YouTube or Twitch. There are two billion gamers worldwide and 1-3% of gamers are addicted. As of June 18, 2018, the World Health Organization officially recognized “Gaming Disorder.” Gaming Disorder is a mental health problem, depression and anxiety being co-factors, but gaming itself is part of the problem.
Mr. Adair’s presentations spoke about the perspective of a video gamer. Gaming fulfills needs: it can be a temporary escape, it’s a social connection, gamers see constant measurable growth in a game, it is a safe place to fail, and it can give them purpose. Games are intentionally designed to keep you hooked using state of the art behavioral psychology. Games are fully immersive and provide dopamine overload. Compared to this, the rest of the world can seem very boring. Overexposure to gaming causes structural changes to your brain and numbs the pleasure response. Games can erode one’s willpower. Gamers can become desensitized to the rest of the world when compared to a video game, where you are immersed in constant action and stimulation. Video games are something where one has much more control than they ever will in the real world. For many gamers, this is their social life and as opposed to in real life, when you don’t like someone, or they are bullying you, you can block them or take other measures to reduce exposure to them. On the other hand, many gamers are on the defensive to those outside of this community because society has shamed gamers for being “lazy,” “wasting their potential,” and being told that their online friends are not their “real friends.” This has created an “us vs. them” mentality. This stigma and shame has created barriers to seeking help. Like everyone, a gamer struggling with a gaming disorder needs to feel understood and not judged.
Gaming can be a healthy recreational activity. However, it can cross over to be a problem. Here are some tips that Mr. Adair provided when battling a gaming addiction. He recommended a 90-day detox to reset the brain, break attachments to gaming, create a contrast, and build new habits. He suggested to fill the void that stopping gaming has left with three types of activities. 1) something that is mentally engaging (such as learning a new skill), 2) resting (at home), and 3) new social activity (make new friends outside of gaming). He suggested adding structure with a daily agenda. Create a system of accountability and support. Family and friends would be great for this. Another option is www.gamequitters.com. Remove gaming devices from the bedroom. Block access to games, apps, and other problematic websites. For parents: stay firm and consistent in setting boundaries. Require exercise and homework to be complete before being allowed to game. When you are still gaming, mix it up by playing less than two hours at a time and not playing every day. Find an alternative to YouTube or gaming after school before doing homework. When trying to cut back from gaming or stopping gaming altogether, expect as with any addiction, that there will be compulsions to play, cravings, and withdrawal, especially in the form of boredom. Stopping gaming will mean losing friends, conversation topics, loss of the “gamer” identity, nostalgia to play, and struggles with time management.
Where gaming is crossing the line into gambling is in the form of something called “loot boxes.” These loot boxes are something that players can purchase and they can contain anything from simple customization options for a player’s avatar or character to game-changing equipment such as weapons and armor. They don’t know what’s in these loot boxes, but they’re spending money with the chance of winning something of value. This is the definition of gambling. These are found in many free-to-play games, yet individuals are spending large quantities of money at times to obtain these loot boxes. Fortnite, a popular game has made over $1 billion in less than a year. So, not only can video games become addictive, causing negative affects on one’s life, but it can also cause significant financial loss, much like gambling.
The Nebraska Gamblers Assistance Program (GAP) pays for confidential counseling with certified problem gambling providers to Nebraskans and their families who suffer a gambling addiction.
A list of all GAP-certified counselors in Nebraska is located at
problemgambling.nebraska.gov
GAP 24/7 Helpline – Call 1-800-522-4700
This presentation is sponsored by and paid for by the Nebraska Gamblers Assistance Program
Gambling can be a fun activity for many people. However, 2-3% of U.S. citizens are reported to have a problem with gambling. Here are some ways to minimize your risk of gambling becoming a problem for you: Always gamble with a predetermined amount of money that you can afford to lose Set limits on time […]
Gambling can be a fun activity for many people. However, 2-3% of U.S. citizens are reported to have a problem with gambling. Here are some ways to minimize your risk of gambling becoming a problem for you:
Always gamble with a predetermined amount of money that you can afford to lose
Set limits on time you have available to gamble, both duration and frequency
Gamble for fun, not to win money
Gamble only with money set aside for your entertainment budget
Balance recreational gambling with other healthy hobbies and activities
Know the risks before you bet
Keep gambling a social activity
Bet only what you can afford to lose
Know when to quit, don’t chase your losses
Realize that knowing more won’t guarantee a win
Never borrow money to gamble with
Understand that everyone loses over time
Play for fun, not just for money
Never gamble when stressed, depressed, or in recovery
Don’t play to escape
Avoid mixing gambling with alcohol or other substances
Know what’s legal to play in your area and avoid gambling illegally
Know where to get help if you need it
The Nebraska Gamblers Assistance Program (GAP) pays for confidential counseling with certified problem gambling providers to Nebraskans and their families who suffer a gambling addiction.
A list of all GAP-certified counselors in Nebraska is located at problemgambling.nebraska.gov
GAP 24/7 Helpline – Call 1-800-522-4700
This presentation is sponsored by and paid for by the Nebraska Gamblers Assistance Program